I’m going to write this as if you’re not reading it, even though I’m about 99% sure I’m going to ask you to go look at this after I finish writing. But I want to say all of my feelings in a completely objective manner and be able to reference you as my girlfriend and not write at as if it is addressed to you.
I listened to a podcast tonight that my girlfriend asked me to look up. It was called “Should My Boyfriend’s Porn Be a Marriage Deal-Breaker?” She asked me to listen for two reasons. One, I have struggled with pornography for years. Two, I confessed to her last night that I have been indulging in it regularly for quite some time. I’ve sinned against her, against God, and against myself. So I listened to this podcast and it spoke some straightforward and honest wisdom into my ear from a straightforward and honest man named John Piper. I’m not going to explain what it was about, mostly because she listened to it before I did, obviously, and therefore would probably prefer to hear how I felt about it rather than what I remember of it.
So, in the same manner of the day, I feel pretty much at rock bottom. You know those moments when no matter what you wish you could tell yourself, you know how guilty you are, how sinful you are, and that you need to make a change. Why is that? Well it’s because it requires work. Disruption of my routines. It interrupts what I’ve trained my body and my soul to take in and what I’ve allowed my eyes to see. In the book “Wired for Intimacy” by William Struthers, the author talks about how when a person indulges in pornography, he is training his body to not only desire more of what he sees, but to regularly require it on a daily basis. It becomes wired in his mind that what he looks at and what he sees are good, because they are linked with the pleasure that he feels. Now, I didn’t read that book but it was quoted in one of the first sermons I listened to by my current pastor Tim Grandstaff. That sermon happened to be the message I saw online that made me decide to attend the church I now do Worship for, volunteer at, and attend regularly. Now, in reference to the things John Piper said, I would like state the things I am either already aware of or realized through the course of both this situation and listening to this podcast:
1. I feel more like a sinner now than I ever have in my life.
2. I cannot be married, plan for marriage, ask for my girlfriend’s hand in marriage, or allow her to marry me until I have truly felt God’s precious freedom from this foothold.
3. I have subjected my eyes, my thoughts, and pleasures on other women besides my girlfriend/future wife and have therefore committed adultery in my heart and in practice.
4. My honest love for Jesus can no longer be words on my lips, but actions that take place in the world and in my bedroom.
5. Those girls I have lusted after are someone’s daughter. Their fathers are most likely torn apart by their daughters’ actions as mine would be if it were my future daughter.
6. My girlfriend is an angel and I have more love and appreciation for her now and in this moment than I ever have in my life.
7. I have allowed my girlfriend to be the leader and supporter in this relationship. I position that I have been called upon to uphold. I have fell by the wayside.
8. I can have victory if I desire it more than worldly pleasures.
9. I can have victory if my love for my girlfriend exceeds my love for pornography.
10. I can have victory if my love for God exceeds my desires for physical relief.
11. There is no 12 step program.
12. I have a gracious and merciful God that has poured his love upon me by allowing me feel convicted enough to tell my girlfriend the truth in its entirety.
13. I need to feel the desire to lead Bri in our relationship, but I must overcome this through God in order to be in the proper place to do so.
14. I love my God and my Savior, Jesus Christ.
So, it’s safe to say that the truth I was given in this podcast was the start of a much more humble lifestyle than I have been leading. One thing I did not mention was that. The humility you feel when God stares at you in the face and says, “You are dead wrong and have been all along. ” So I have chosen to live a life worthy of what God has called me to be. But the words on this blog sure as shoot aren’t the important thing. And for once in my life, I feel it is time to keep my word and grow the heck up.